Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including:

• People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction
• Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs
• Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus
• Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report
• UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'
• Free bank with every new mobile
• Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches
• Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans
• Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'

Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But
there's a much bigger chance you won't').

Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.

'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish'
- Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton